Always Learning

You might think that it’s funny, but it’s true. We learn something new everyday. It is up to ourselves to decide if we’d like to learn more or less. As for me, I always look forward to learning more. In the process of learning a single category, we realize our lives expand other ways as well.

I’m currently taking a part time course learning Internet Marketing and Web Design. I was never interested in it, but I decided, “Hey! New thing I can place in my future resume!”. Everytime we have the opportunity to learn something new, ask yourself, “How would I gain by taking this opportunity?”. If your gain is more than your loss, WHY NOT?

In the course that I’m taking, I’ve met people from all around Malaysia who came to KL just to take this course. Sometimes we find friends for life in places we never expect. Since we’re stuck in the same group for the whole course, we’re forced to grow closer, which is a pretty awesome thing.

I’d go all around the world to learn and meet new people. That’s me.

Now tell me… How about you?

When You Reach Your Limit

We all have a breaking point. Everyone in the world has a breaking point. The only difference is how long and how much can we hold it in before reaching that limit. It’s like a movie. There’s always this one movie which teaches us not to run away from our problems or give up. You know that one! Girl has great job, girl has great life, girl is happy… then it all comes crumbling down and girl hits the lowest low. Breaking down in tears in her car… parked in a secluded place. Letting out everything that she has been trying to take control of. Crying and hitting the steering wheel… hard. Problems with money, job, love and life. Releasing the person she portrays. The confident, “I’m handling everything” person, as the world around her crumbles bit by bit.

That was me. As if my life turned into a movie and someone yelled “ACTION!” as I let everything in my life roll down my cheeks in the form of tears.

I believe that everyone should let go once it awhile. No point holding on to all that failure and uneasiness of the heart. And then, here I am, typing out this post and trying to figure out what to do. I guess it’s not the time to think as I am emotionally unstable. So what do I do, you ask? I do what I do best. Suck it up and smile. Find ways to smile again. Be my perky self. Then figure out what to do… and I will. I’m sure I will.

One Day I’ll Fly Away

To anyone who’s reading, never, I repeat, never let anyone out there make you feel like you’re not worth anything. Never let anyone put you down.

One day, I’ll fly away,
Leave all this to yesterday,
What more could your love do for me,
When will love be through with me,

Why live life from dream to dream,
And dread the day,
When dreaming ends,

One day I’ll fly away,
Fly,
Fly away.

-Moulin Rouge

My Funny Valentine

My funny valentine,
Sweet cosmic valentine,
You make me smile with my heart,
Your looks are laughable, un-photographical,
Yet you’re my favourite work of art.

Stay little valentine, stay!

Yet they never do, I think to myself. As I listen to the soothing guitar plucking and the saxophone… making my heart beat following it’s velvety smooth melody, my mind floats of to a far away land. I feel my eyes blurr out as my soul is slowly floating away to Etta James’s My Funny Valentine. Oh, how he makes me smile with my heart. It’s funny how the world works. The more you desire for something, the further you are from grasping it. My fingers grow numb in the cold, surrendering to Autumn’s breeze.

I love the Blues. I’ll say it once and I’ll keep saying it, the society which the kids grow up in these days, will never be able to appreciate Jazz or the Blues the way I do. Ever felt your mind calm and your heart melt in an instant? That’s how I feel, swaying to every note and pause in the, now rare, music.

The distance is far, yes it is. That day will come though. The day I sing My Funny Valentine to you and try to make you stay little valentine… stay. Will you take my hand and never look back? The once velvety feel of rose petals now dry and crinkly shows how fast time passes. As I lightly touch the rose, its dry petals fall of its once beautiful present. Sometimes I wonder why in life, we let things go so easily. Why don’t we ever take that extra step? Why don’t we strive harder for it? We give up too easily but take my word for it when I say that this time, I will try my best to not let it slip away. I will hold it tight in my arms before the last dry petal falls of the rose.

** No idea why I wrote this… but I was listening to My Funny Valentine by Etta James on loop when I wrote this post. So forgive the “deepness” of the post :D Any relations to persons living or dead is completely coincidental.

#1 Fairy Dust Flutters

A little girl of 10 years stands still on the top of the little hill that ran through her backyard. Still dressed in her halloween Snow White costume, she watches as the sun rises. She then closes her eyes to concentrate on feeling nature’s breath of a dewy breeze. Listening to her surroundings. As she tries to recall every detail of the story she read a few nights ago. The story that inspired her costume for the night before. She loved to read and let her imaginations run wild with the contents of a book. Her mother would buy her books from every fairytale there is out there. All those books portraying adventure, true love, and princesses. The dreams came to her where one day she will be swept away by a prince charming.

She stretches out her hand to feel the cool breeze intertwine with her fingers.  As much as she loved true love in the many fairytales she read, she was oblivious to the fact that in 10 years she would be standing at the exact same spot. On the hill. In the bath of dusk. Watching the man she loved, the only man she ever loved, walk away from her. Immune to the fact that her hopes and dreams would never have a fairytale ending or a happily ever after in real life.

In love, there will be a glimpse of happiness but there would also be deceit, jealousy and sacrifice. As she recalls how Snow White was deceived by the Evil Queen with something as simple as an apple, she gazes upon his withdrawing silhouette. He was similar to the Prince Charming in her life. He was mislead away from her by the Evil Queen of her time. She used to be her closest friend from 6th Grade but they somehow hit a wall and their friendship disappeared. Eversince then, she had become envious of anything that “Snow White” would possess. The red-headed Evil Queen of her day, tempted and misled her Prince Charming into his harrowing death.

Will there be anything that she can do about it? She sinks into deep thought as her mind forms an intention to save him and regain her dreamy one.

Her house was built in the 1920’s. As soon as she moved into this home when she was 6, she had lost her mother in a swimming accident. Her mother had drown in the watery depths of the lake near her home attempting to save her.
She lights 3 candles on the altar in her room. The first candle, as white as snow. A candle as red as blood was lighted next. The final, a candle as black as ebony. She calls out to the guardians of the north, south, east, and west watchtowers. Querying for their blessing to invoke Snow White’s sensitive, innocent, pure, kind yet brave selfhood.

What will happen next? How would Snow White’s, a fairytale princess, traits help her in her modern day happily ever after?

The secret to happiness… or not?

Thinking about how quick time has passed I feel like time is just whizzing by. Last Tuesday I was just thinking about going for Mexican food with some friends. A week has passed and I have done nothing about it. A month ago I thought that everything would be alright and that I would understand what was going on. Until now, I have no idea. Part of my mind is made up. Let it go and move on.

Being a Sagittarius, I’m compelled to talk to my friends about how shitty I feel. And yes, I am lucky to have friends with amazing listening skills and advice. They help me release it all and laugh! That is actually the most important thing to me… happiness. People throughout history searched high and low for their happiness. For me, the simplest of happiness satisfies me. That’s why at times I blame myself for being stupid to linger on something that I’ve been thinking about for days which pulls me down. I guess one has to stop and think, “Is this what I really want? Does this really make me happy? Is this worth it?”. Most of the time I make up my mind and do it. This issue though, is fucking sucking the life out of me. I guess we just have to nut up or shut up. Face your fears and fuck it upside down. Okay, that might not be the best advice but hey, what works, works.

Everyone has to cry once in a while. You cannot coupe it up all the time and never let go, one when you breakdown you might never get up again. Been trying to cry to let it out. But ever since I reached a certain realization… no matter how hard I force myself to let it out and just cry… I couldn’t. On the plus side though, my alcohol tolerance have increased a huge huge deal. Good thing, maybe? LOL.

So now I just take huge, deep, long breaths. Find my chi. I hate being treated like an idiot. Who wouldn’t? So yes, I’m still on that windy steep dirt road. Searching for the secret to happiness. Not just anyone’s happiness… but my own. At times I create my own happiness. It works.

Another glass of Absolut Peach Vodka for myself. Bottoms up everyone!

Where does one go from here?

 Going out there, making people’s dreams materialize, watching them smile as things go smoothly, getting creative and exceed their expectations. That’s me. That’s who I am. That is my passion. My passion is taking my clients into our world of creativity, marketing and events. It has always been my interest. But I’ve been thinking about it and talking to someone who means a lot to me. I’ve had so many dreams that I haven’t had the chance to try out and experience. Yes, doing events is so much fun. Even though it’s hard work, I enjoy it. Thinking about my future now, for me to continue to be employed, limits my capabilities and my potential.

My interests from the past are to sew and design my own clothes. That I have achieved but ever since my sewing machine started to have problems and my event career got really busy, I haven’t had anytime to think creatively for new ideas or even sew. Do I have the material? Yes, I do. The time? No. But now, I will want to go back into that to keep me sane and happy.

Okay! Next interest. Another one of my awesome interests is… wait for it… miniatures! Yes, miniatures! Little miniature polymer clay food. I find them extremely adorable. I have finally decided to start trying these adorable little babies out. Buy some polymer clay, go for some classes, parade and display my awesome work… one concern though, I have fat fingers. Will that work? Oh well, who knows! Definitely worth a try… or a million tries!

i guess I’m still young… I have time to truly discover what makes me happy. I have many more interests which I want to make happen. Maybe I should take a break. Travel for a bit. Travel to gain enthusiasm, gain ideas and maybe even receive an epiphany. A part in my wants to just leave everything behind for two weeks and travel. I want to join the Contiki. The Contiki is a group of 18 - 35 year old travelers from different parts of the world, meeting up and traveling for 2 weeks around Europe. Time to find the opportunity to make that dream materialize!!

Living In Luxury…

Lying back on my extremely comfortable plush pillows, which feel like clouds, in the JW Marriott Kuala Lumpur, I think to myself, “Ahhh… I could live in luxury forever and never leave.”. I walked into Marriott ready to handle an event for a whole week, I was greeted by elegantly dressed door men. It’s been awhile since I’ve been through this kind of luxury. It feels good! Somebody to pass you whatever you need, whenever you need it. This makes me want to work extremely smart and hard,so that I will get to enjoy luxuries like this without even a second thought in my future. To be in a private jet, nice 5 - 6 star hotel suites, a limousine just waiting to pick you up to somewhere gorgeous and elegant. I look forward to spending the next 4 nights here. The commercial malls are so nearby! Had dinner at La Bodega in Pavilion. Had 4 jugs of Sangria to wash that down. People watching was just the cherry on top.

I know when I tell people I enjoy living in a 5-star hotel in Kuala Lumpur, the place I grew up in, they will tell me I’m being ridiculous. But what they don’t know is that living in a hotel in KL, you get the chance to view and explore the city in a totally different point of view. You see what the tourists see and I love what I see. That’s why we’ve got tons of tourists.

Well, looking forward, I’ll miss my time here. Maybe in the far future I’ll be able to do this on my own. Enjoying life, my way.

That Tiny Crack Of Flowing Sunlight

What I am talking about is that little ray of happiness that shines its way through into your life for that short period before the clouds moves over and blocks it. That’s how I’ve been feeling for a pretty long time. Thinking back, I honestly have not been happy. I finally realized that after one tiny thing happen and knocked me out of my hypnosis. It hit me like a yellow school bus, it made me realize that I definitely wasn’t happy. Yet I keep finding excuses and explanations to convince myself that I was. I have been going through so much unnecessary shivers and tears. I’m at war with myself! I have two sides of me fighting to have a say in my mind. Fighting for me to make a choice. It has been a really confusing time but I guess we all go through this at times.

Back to that tiny ray of sun shine, I had that feeling today. Oh hell, it felt good. It haws been ages since I actually felt that way. It almost made me change my mind about a decision that I have already made. I have even taken a step of putting my plan in motion and this moment comes and nudges me out of focus. The war with myself begins again.

All it took was for someone to actually show me that I meant something to that person. I have sacrificed and changed so much for this person. That person has never changed, not a single bit. I kept trying, trying, trying, and trying to make it work. A person can try all they want but a person has their limits. I have a feeling I’m almost reaching my limit.

Now it’s all about seeing what happens. I already feel that I’m starting to distance myself from him. I with no doubt, believe that I deserve someone who would treat me like I treat them. I want to be happy. That was one of my New Year’s resolution for the year of 2012. A simple one, I just want to be happy again.